Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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