I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I can't put those talents on a resume
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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