So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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