Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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