i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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