wanna go halves on a baby?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
