the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i can't believe i had my finger in that
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize