and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
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What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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