Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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