oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
