I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You dont lie about slip and slides
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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