I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
