hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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