Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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