Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
