The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
