Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
found the other keg... it's in the tree
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
