Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
