I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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