I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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