Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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