I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
