Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
