I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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