It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
