Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
