I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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