He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
