he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
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That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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