let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Houston, we have a squirter
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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