so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
