I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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