If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
