I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
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Why is your signature on my underwear?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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