nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
