Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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