good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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