I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
