So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
