do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
