I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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