At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
