So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
