Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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