I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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