My room smells like vodka and shame
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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