Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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