I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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