If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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