How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
