Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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