I CAN MOONWALK!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
