sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
