Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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