I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
